Why Saying No Feels Dangerous
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that other people’s comfort was our job. That disappointing someone was a small emergency. That “no” was a word other people got to use. If you recognize yourself, keep reading. This one’s for you. People-Pleasing Isn’t Kindness The uncomfortable distinction I offer clients is this: kindness […]
Taking Rejection Personally, When It Literally Is Personal
I went to art school before I became a therapist, which means my first real experience with rejection happened in a critique room. You pin your work to the wall, then stand next to it while people talk about it in front of you. The polite fiction is that they’re discussing the piece. Everyone in […]
Thinking About Opening Up Your Relationship?
More couples than ever are asking the question. Sometimes one partner brings it up, and the other’s stomach drops. Sometimes both have been circling it for years. Either way, they often end up on my couch, asking some version of “Are we crazy to try this?” You’re not crazy. But there’s a right way to […]
What “Sex Positive Therapy” Actually Means
The phrase “Sex Positive” shows up on a lot of therapist profiles these days, including mine. But clients have told me they clicked on it without fully knowing what it promised. So let me spell out what it means in my office. It Means You Don’t Have to Translate A lot of people spend their […]
ADHD Isn’t a Discipline Problem
I work with a lot of creative people, and a good number of them have ADHD. Diagnosed, undiagnosed, or somewhere in the long waiting room in between. The sentence I say most often in those sessions: you don’t have a discipline problem. You have a brain that runs on interest, not importance. Those are different […]
Because It Is a Skill You Never Learned
For a lot of people, doing nothing was never neutral. If you grew up in a home where love tracked achievement, or where the mood could turn and staying busy kept you useful and out of range, your nervous system filed rest under unsafe, and productivity became less a habit than a shelter. Fast forward […]
Success: Achieving It, and What It Costs
I’ve spent more than twenty years sitting with people who work hard at what they do. Actors, artists, content creators, teachers. People building lives out of their own effort and talent. And here’s one of the quiet secrets of my profession: a lot of them come to therapy not in spite of their success, but […]
A Gay Son and His Mother: An Uncommon Bond
Four years ago today I lost my mother. What we had, at its core, was a kind of mutual understanding: we simply got each other. She was my biggest cheerleader, and no one held more hope for my success, personally or professionally. I have a husband and people in my life who love and support […]
What the Body Knows About Love
After more than twenty years of sitting with people as they talk about love, the thing that strikes me most is how much the body already knows, tensing or softening long before we understand what we’re feeling. We tend to talk about love as something that simply happens to us, a spark we either feel […]
Chemsex, Shame, and Why It Is So Hard to Talk About
Chemsex refers to using substances like methamphetamine, GHB, or mephedrone during sexual encounters. It happens across many communities, though it tends to be talked about most in the context of gay men and queer social circles, where certain drugs have become deeply embedded in nightlife and hookup culture over the past few decades. Even so, […]